Dummies and Pets

While working at the front desk in a veterinary hospital, I have dealt with some of the nicest people ever, as well as some of the nastiest ones, but mostly, I remember the dumbest ones. Sorry, but out of all the people I interact with each day, the dummies just stick out in my mind. While I don't always get the opportunity to meet the dummies face-to-face, as I'm speaking with them on the phone, I get to imagine what they might look like, and hope that they don't ever get the chance to reproduce! It's bad enough that they're allowed to own animals...

Caller: "We just had a little incident at our house. Um...my kids' bunny accidentally got out and ate some rat poison. I dunno how much he ate, but he'll be okay, right? I mean, he probably only ate like 1 little pellet. Four at the most, because he was only out for a second."
Me: "Mam, rat poison is very potent, so that even a tiny amount can cause a lot of damage to an animal. If I were you, I'd get him to a vet right away."
Caller: "But he only ate 1 pellet, I mean, he'll be fine, right? I live like an hour away and don't want to bring him in if I don't have to. I mean, he only ate like 1 pellet."
Me: "If it were my pet, I'd bring him in."
Caller: "But he only ate like 1 pellet. Maybe he didn't even eat any. He'll be fine, right? I live a long ways out of town."
Caller: "blah blah blah."
Me: "blah blah blah."
She never brought him in.

Caller: "Hi. I think I need to bring my dog in. I think he has something stuck in his throat. He's been coughing and hacking for like a week now."
Me: *thinking: "A week, what kind of a moron are you?"*
Me: "Sounds like you better bring your dog in. He's probably pretty uncomfortable."
Caller: "How late are you guys open?"
Me: "We're open from 7:30 am to 6 pm M-F and from 8-3 on Saturdays."
Caller: "Okay, I'll see if I can bring him in after I get off work tonight."
After letting him choke for a week, I guess another 12 hours isn't going to hurt anything.

Caller: *In a complete panic* "My puppy's tooth accidentally bit my aunt's arm and she went to the hospital and they called animal control and they took my dog and locked him up. Can one of your vets go to the shelter and draw blood for a test to prove that he doesn't have rabies so I can get him out? He's just a puppy. He doesn't have rabies. I mean, this is ridiculous. What a joke. There's a blood test they can do. There has to be."
Me: "So your puppy hasn't been vaccinated against rabies yet?"
Caller: "No, last time I was in they told me he couldn't get a rabies shot until the middle of July."
Me: "How old is your puppy?"
Caller: "Not even 4 months."
Me: "Well then he is too young for a rabies shot, which is why it wasn't given to him at his last visit. It's policy that animals who are not vaccinated and bite humans be held in isolation for 10 days. I'm sorry, but there's not a blood test that you can do. He's a puppy, and I'm sure that he doesn't have rabies, so you'll be able to get him back in 10 days."
Caller: "But there has to be a blood test you can do! You told me that he couldn't get his rabies shot until the middle of July. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I would have gotten it done if I thought this would happen. You told me he had to wait until the middle of July!"
Me: "I'm very sorry, and I know that this must be very hard on both of you, but it's policy that animals who bite be held for 10 days."
Caller: "So what am I supposed to do, just wait the 10 days? He's just a puppy! It's not my fault he doesn't have his shots! The policy doesn't have an exception for this? I can't believe they don't have an exception for this. That needs to be changed. This is ridiculous!"
Me: "I'm sorry, mam, but there's nothing you can do until the 10 day isolation period is up. You'll be responsible for the cost of keeping your pet in isolation, he'll be released to you and then you can either have him vaccinated before he leaves the shelter or bring him here to have him vaccinated."
Caller: "So there's nothing I can do?"
Me: "No, sorry. It's standard protocol for the United States. You'll just have to wait the 10 days."
Caller: "Fine. I'll call someone else!" Hangs up.
Come to find out, her dog was recently referred to a behaviorist by one of the vets at the clinic for extreme aggression toward humans. He's not even 4 months old yet and already biting people...it's almost as if the vet was trying to prevent something like this from happening...hmmm...

Client: "You need to do something with my dog."
Me: Freaking out when I see the dog and she's practically a corpse, hanging loose in the owner's arms. "What's going on with your dog?"
Client: "She hasn't been eating and has been throwing up for like a week."
Me: "Has she had any diarrhea?"
Client: "Yeah."
Me: "Has it been bloody?"
Client: "Yeah, it's been pure blood for like 3 days."
Parvo. Why did it take so long for this to throw up a red flag? Hello!

My favorite question of all, that I hear all the time is, "Can I make an appointment to get my cat/dog 'spayded?'" The kicker is when they add that HE is 5 months old. Maybe this stuff isn't common knowledge, but I still find it pretty entertaining and sometimes, even mildly annoying.
If you didn't get the last one, that's okay. If you did, good for you!