I often wonder what I'm doing with my life, or perhaps slightly less important, yet seemingly more pressing, what I'm going to do with my life. I simply don't know. I'm currently only working part-time, in a position that a high school graduate could easily fill. While I really enjoy what I'm doing, veterinary assistant isn't a career path that I'm willing to stick with forever. I want more for myself. Not that it's not a noble and respectable career path, believe me, vet techs should be praised by anyone who has ever come in contact with a cat or dog. Their work is hard, stressful, less-than glamorous, and helps people hold onto the furry friends they love. It's not just that I expect more of myself, but I need more. I need to use the obsession with biology that I can't seem to kick. I need to use all of the information that I somehow managed to hold onto, despite the hard push of other information learned in other classes, fighting hard for a place somewhere in my memory. Biology excites me. I hate to define myself by my major, but it's who I am. How I use it in the future is still undetermined, however.
Per a letter that I received in the mail this afternoon, my career in infectious disease research in Atlanta has effectively put on hold, at least for now. Disappointing. Since I'm having trouble deciding where to even begin searching for a career path that will be challenging and more financially rewarding than rafting, perhaps the rejection letter is simply a push in better direction. The direction? I don't know yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I suppose that saying that it's officially put on hold is not even an accurate description of reality. I'm still waiting to hear back on a couple of things, but I feel that they're less likely to come together than the fellowship. Sigh. Perhaps I'll go back to genetics of some form yet. It's interesting how some hopes and dreams never really die, no matter how far in the past they seem to be. It's as though some things can't be avoided, no matter what the circumstances. Eventually they come back or you come back to them. Perhaps these visits to the past are somehow designed to help us get to where we're ultimately supposed to end up, despite our best attempts to go somewhere completely different.
No matter how confused I may become, I know one thing. I need a source of motivation. I have been eager to learn and to better myself my entire life, but it's somehow been pushed to the side in past months. I want to figure things out, to go back to school, to find something that I love, but not knowing where to begin or how to begin always brings me back to the place I started. If that makes any sense. I blame a lot of my current state on reaching the burnout stage way too early in my senior year of college. I managed to push through, but I think it took everything absolutely everything in me to do so, and now there's nothing left but empty and abused space where motivation is usually stored. Maybe the lack of motivation is simply part of the process of recuperation. A lot has gone on in past months that I'm sure contributed to delaying the process. Hopefully now I'm on my way to a full recovery, in so many areas of my life. I'm still optimistic, despite the blog post you're reading, written out of discouragement and confusion. It seems to be helping me work through my thoughts. I know that I need to stick it out, that things will fall into place. Deep inside, I believe that they will. They always have in the past. There's no reason for me to believe that this time should be any different. For now, I'm just waiting. Impatiently.
2 comments:
love the background how did you do that. everything is true that you wrote about. just keep thinking about what it is you love and someday it will happen, you must continue to search and dissapointment is all part of that process. then you learn patience. goal setting is then learned if you continue to move forward, not physically but mentally. the physical part comes when you walk in for the job interview. the mind is very powerful, don't sell it short. you are in a process of growing. you don't come out of the womb walking and speaking 5 languages. time my dear, time.
Amanda - this is a good thing. I realize from your blog that it doesn't seem to be. You are experiencing rejection and you aren't used to it and don't like it. But it is only rejection for a particular opportunity, which would require you moving further away. So maybe part of it is rejection - moving away - and part of it is the prompt you speak of that helps you to sort out what really matters to you - when challenged, what bubbles up? Biology - hmmm - how else could one put that to use?
Don't go into that interview next weak feeling rejected and inadequate - now you can go into that interview with a renewed clarity about how you want to invest your energy at this point in your life and this letter will now help you have a better interview. That's how this whole web of experience, emotion, intellect, and spirit work together. While I don't think anyone needs advice from me, this is a necessary part of growing pains like you feel in your legs when you are 11. And this won't be the last time you ask these questions of yourself, my case an example. So feel the pain and let it work for you in the process of clarifying and becoming stronger in your resolve. Good luck with your interview. And whatever happens, it will all work out for the best. Either because it actually is the best, or because it is what happens and that is the best there is. I love you - The Mom
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